Heavy Sigh

Wow, I have had to most amazing reoccurring dreams lately. They are amazing. It's just that I can't realize the utter joy and contentment and rightness that I experience in them. Why? Why can't I? I've been a good person, don't I at least deserve that?

There I go. I don't DESERVE anything. Nothing is owed to me. In fact I am the one in debt to the universe for existence. It just seems so unfair that some people can find it so easily and I can't.

But I'd rather not exist right now. So, universe, you can take it back anytime you like.

I want, I want, I want. I sound like such a twit. Such a fucking wimp.

I just feel as if I've missed the mark somehow. I've been waiting instead of searching and that doesn't freaking work! And now I really don't know what to do. Except maybe make me better.

It's strange: I need someone familiar to talk to about all this, but I don't want to talk to someone I interact with daily, because it'll just be weird and I can't take that.

Maybe on the boat. But probably not.

I'm tired of this little freaking switch that goes on whenever it is least convenient. Normal tim --> shoot myself and stick it into my mouth tim. I'm such a loser and I just need someone next to me to say, "no your not" even though it's a lie. And I can't say THIS to anyone because when serious things come up, the little switch flips and I start to fidget and make stupid, insensitive jokes and in general be a nervous ass.

And now even my mother is trying to make me feel guilty. She says I'm a disappointment. She's probably right.

I'm such teenager.... more sad blogging